i wonder

Yesterday when I was walking through the mall I saw the cutest thing, and it really made me think.  The scene was 3 kids who were between the ages of 3 and 5, and their Dad standing around one of those coin rolling donation thingies.  What do you call them?  You know.. you put a coin in this slot and roll it and it goes around... and around... and around... until after a very long time it seems it drops out of site at the bottom.  It's a big funnel for coins.  Anyway, back to my story.  I saw these kids watching the coins.  Two of them were so small that they crawled up on top of the contraption to get a better view of the coin rolling around.  Even the dad was bent over and smiling watching this coin roll round.  I smiled too!  But then it hit me...

Where is my wonder?  Where is my simple enjoyment of everyday moments?

I know where the are.  They are lost in cynicism.  Lost to the fact that I have been there and done that and nothing much has changed so why bother.  

My heart has become hard.  

It no longer seeks the joy of everything around me.  It says "you know it may look new, but you've seen this before, and it's not worth it.  There is a past pain that keeps me from seeing things the way God intended it to be.  Every moment is new, it hasn't happened before, but somehow I wrap that moment around my past and look at it from a distorted view.  Part of it is genetic, part of it is instinct and part of it is self preservation.  Honestly, I don't like it much.

I wish I could look at each new moment as "new" and with a sense of wonder.  My kids are experiencing everything as new and I don't engage because, again.... been there done that... time to move on.  Even a simple trip to the grocery store could be an adventure, but....

I have been down these aisles before and I know what lies on all of the shelves there is nothing here to experience, so let's just get this over with.

How sad!!

I wish I had more wonder, I wish I could take away the cloud of "past experiences" and let the joy of today flood through me.  I wish I didn't judge new relationships, based on past hurts from others.  

I wish I laughed more.